Let me explain...

haha... So After reading over what I wrote last night/ this morning, I realized that it was even more vague than the entry before it so I want to try to gain clarity on my thoughts.

Recently I have just been in awe of God's grace. I've been studying 1 Peter which seems to be nailing how much God is given me just in the first Chapter. It says, "In his[God] great mercy he has given us new brith into a living hope" (1 Peter 1:3). "...set your hope fully on the grace to be given you" (1 Peter 1:13).

After reading this, I have seen around me all the amazing things that he has blessed me with. It's been incredible. I feel that I'm constantly asking, 'why are you doing this?' Truely i don't feel that I deserve it, you know.

Then in the past two days I have felt this weight. I don't fully know where it's from but I'm beginning to figure it out. One thing is being reliant on God and his giftings in me. I don't feel I do what I fully can, in fear of hitting the 'roof'; in fear of failing. There are a few ways that I avoid that then and a lot of it is where I spend my time and what I spend it doing. That's something I have been working on for a while now with the whole not watching a movie thing.

As i kept looking in 1 Peter I hit something that didn't phase me as much the first time. 1 Peter 2:1-2 "Therefore, rid yourselves of all malice and all deceit, hypocrisy, envy, and slander of every kind. like newborn babies, crave pure spiritual milk, so that by it you may grow up in your salvation,..." the part that really hit me was 'grow up.' I don't want to take this out of context but i believe it's safe to say in my situation that God could just be telling me to 'grow up.' Take ownership in my giftings and the power that he's givin me. That I am not worthless, that I don't need to "embrace acusation' (thanks Shane and Shane for making that amazing song) but that I just need to "grow up."

The last thing is that in 1 Peter 1, it gives this proposed reaction to have 'joy'- "are filled with an inexpressible and glorious joy." I feel that through all of these trials that I should rejoice and be stoked at what God's doing in.

contrasting seclusion in complete serenity

So I have been processing a lot of thought in the past two days on who I am in myself. The thought of who I was, transformed into who I am becoming, with the vision of who i want to be.

my heart has still been so heavy. In the midst of all of this I feel sooo weighted down. I feel that I have hit a wall where I will have to change some things. I know this sounds really vague, but I can't process it too much more.

It's a mixture of comfort and lonliness. Contrasting seclusion in complete serenity.

There's just a lot going out right now in my head... haha... BUT it's good and truely I am happy that I'm thinking about this.


And also, please if you have a comment, let me know it! I would love to hear any thoughts on this or anything else.

Gracious God Word

God is a gracious God.
He cares when I don't,
Loves when I won't.
Feels when I can't,
heals with romance.

In the most affectionate ways, I am restored.

God, you are a gracious God.

_________________________________________________

In this past week I have realized several things. I felt like I needed to express what is going on in my heart becuase it is bursting out of me... I know that sounds corny but It's just true. I have this overwhelming feeling of thanks for God's grace... I will go into more of whats going on with me and whats been going on this past week soon... I just have to get some sleep

the church

"The Beggar asks with loyal Persistence"- The motion of a beggar asking for money is similar to the church during offering. Both need money (money is just one example) to survive. The difference is in the motives of the givers.
"For the bag is cursed with lusting indifference"- The bag (church) is "cursed" with greed (not limited to greed but also sin, as the bag not only symbolizes money but the whole church).
"That one would come to fulfill existence"- That the body of christians would unit to fulfill their role as "fishers of men."
"And skew an age old resistance"- In fulfilling the role of a christian that they would eternally support their church is every need.


It's also interesting to see how the beggar and the church can seem to sometimes change places.

Bliss

The sun plays a game as it's rays bounce gently on my face.
My left arm hangs completely limp.
My right arm slips into a refeshing pool, as if I'm touching the sky.
My back is comforted by the cushion of my shirt.
My feet are in total serenity as the sun and wind form the perfect team.
A constant breeze cleanses my entire body as I feel no time.

........................................................................ Bliss

I went for a run today... Ended up just laying by a pool/fountain, finding myself realizing the beauty around me. It was a gorgious day and it has been so many times, but I just haven't been able to take it in. The rush of life causes me to miss the pattern of Clouds checkering the sky or the water in the pool rippling to the beat of the wind. It was awesome. In that moment I found myself unable to comprehend how I could ever sin in such a beautiful place. I wrote in my journal, "I walk outside today and look at the sky and I am completely in this mind of 'how can I do anything other than praise you [God}." I know this is one of those times where it's a "Spiritual High" or just a "deep" thought but truely It's something that I want to see more. To say I want to see that every day, all day, I think is rediculous... life is crazy and there's no way I will be able to stop and really take in God's glory, BUT I do want to come back to this every time I feel attacked. When I feel so angry that I just want to chew someone out, or when I want to watch that R moive that I really shouldn't watch. That when I am tempted by ANYTHING, that I can come back to this day in my mind and see his glory all around me.

A little run

So last night I had this heaviness hanging over me. It has been there for a while now but it was just growing and growing. I didn't want to bring it up with friends in hope that it would just dissapate. Ususally I can deal with these things myself without "spilling" everything infront of a friend but this was killing me. Finally I realized that I needed to talk it through with a friend, processing everything myself as I was telling him, we went for a run and I ended up talking the whole time. It was awesome! We got an awesome work out and God totally spoke through him and gave me answers and direction on what was on my mind. Even though it was a ruff day, at the end, when I was laying in bed, I caught myself smiling and totally happy while I was journaling.

I had this huge sense of peace and it was awesome!!! through all the stress that is was/is going on in my life right now, I had total peace... not to many times when I feel like that.

When I journal...

So today I was talking with my good friend, Jordan Houser, and we were catching up from our Germany trip and everything that's gone on since then. As we were talking I realized something so basic but so true.

I love Journaling! I love writing out my thoughts in a way that I can better understand them and express how I feel. I love it. It's a way of getting things off my chest and working though problems and ideas, but as we were talking i realized that I want my journaling to be based on my growth in my relationship with God. I want to journal about what I'm realizing and learning through reading the bible and convos with others, but I realized that, though I have been journaling a lot, I haven't been reading the bible at all really. Not that I feel journaling about personal struggles in life is the wrong way to journal, I think that's the best way to alleviate some of life's stresses, but I personally want my journaling to be mainly me working through thoughts about scripture that I have been diving into.

After realizing that, Jordan agreed and so I'm putting this up incase someone else feels the same way but hasn't fully realized it yet. Maybe this will help you jump back into the bible.

Let me know if you have any thoughts on this.

The New Leaf

I was at Church on the Move yesterday and the message was fantastic as always. Pastor Willie talked about working the 6th day and how that's necesary to get ahead. The talked on prosperity a little but his points were awesome and really made since becuase I'm not at all big on prosperity teaching and he didn't at all condone it but rather pointed out where people mislead and how prosperity is biblical. It was great but I didn't really want to go to deep in that but rather share my commitment that I made with myself.

I have begun to realize how impactful it is to use my time in effective ways. In the past week I have had awesome conversations with people I never even knew just because instead of watching a movie, I went to a coffee shop with the intentions to do some homework but the hope of just talking with someone new and creating a new relationship or growing in a present one. It's been awesome!

I decided that I am going to watch 1 movie every month. that's it. that's the commitment. So much of my time is spent watching mindless (sometimes really good) movies and everytime I'm finished there is no personal growth; if anything I feel way worse becuase there is so much junk in the average movie.

I don't know how long I will do this but this month of October will be a perfect test. The point is to spend that time creating relationships by going to a coffee shop or working on personal growth whether it's in Journaling, reading, playing guitar, writting songs, etc.... I will for sure let you know how it's going as time goes on and what I'm learning through it!

I challenge you to find something that you spend to much time on and give it up so that you can spend more time creating relationships and/or personally growing.