A New Song..... and a little more....

I cry for
a generation
that's lost in you
that lives for truth

holding tight
to the walls around
an unknown sound
hoping to be found

I raise my voice
to overcome
the banging drum
their spiritual hum

and lift my eyes
up to your skies
defeat the lies
I so despise

to realize...

I am yet a child
Lost by all I've seen
Broken down and twisted up
by all that I believe

I'm searching for the answers
I'm praying for a start
that through the clouds of emptiness
I will find your heart

_________________________________________


This is a song that I just wrote tonight. It came tonight when we were having a floor worship session in my dorm. There were twenty some guys all grouped around, praying, singing, dancing; having a focused time of worship. One of the guys stepped up and confronted the group, telling us to lift our prayer language, our tounges, in prayer to God. This was nothing new to me since I do go to Oral Roberts University and I have, for the most part, figured out how to react to these situations but tonight I was siting there, as everyone joined this guy in praying in tounges, and I started to cry. I wasn't sobbing but I began to tear up. Then I realized that this happens everytime I am in a situation where people are praying in tongues. Now throughout my experiences at ORU and other places, I have my figured out where I stand and how I perceive the spiritual gifts, praying in tongues being the focus tonight. I want you to know that I am not at all against it, BUT I do feel that it isn't done right sometimes (I don't want to go into this tonight so I'm keeping this broad, but if you want to talk about praying in tongues or any of the spiritual gifts let me know and I would love to hear what you have to say/ are going through.) So they began to pray I began to sing and the words that were coming out was the same message of my song. I'll break it down a little:

Verse 1:
I was crying for this generation that has such good motives and a desire to be spiritual and holy but they are trying so hard that they might be loosing themselves in their spirituality.

Verse 2:
'Walls around'- just as walls direct the flow in direction, these youth are hanging on to the guidance of their mentors and following their footsteps, even though they might not know what they are doing; in ignorance.

Verse 3:
I would sing louder in an effort to overcome their 'drum' and 'spiritual hum' (their prayer in tongues) that was confusing/distracting me.

Verse 4:
I pray to God for direction and comfort in this situation. I realize my stubbornness to not "go along with the flow" and I state that when i write 'defeat the lies' (how tongues are being used) because I really don't believe that praying in tongues is wrong.

Chorus:
the chorus is basically me realizing that I am wrong in some of my thoughts. I sing, 'Broken down and twisted up, by all that I believe.' I had a friend say a year ago, "it's gonna be funny when we get into heaven. We are all gonna find out that so much of what we believe is right, is totally wrong." The main thing is the realization that I am not right on everything and in that I can't judge others. All I can do is fight through the 'cloud of emptiness' and find God's heart.



if you have any questions or comments let me know! I would love to hear them! truly!

thanks so much for checking this out!

Let me explain...

haha... So After reading over what I wrote last night/ this morning, I realized that it was even more vague than the entry before it so I want to try to gain clarity on my thoughts.

Recently I have just been in awe of God's grace. I've been studying 1 Peter which seems to be nailing how much God is given me just in the first Chapter. It says, "In his[God] great mercy he has given us new brith into a living hope" (1 Peter 1:3). "...set your hope fully on the grace to be given you" (1 Peter 1:13).

After reading this, I have seen around me all the amazing things that he has blessed me with. It's been incredible. I feel that I'm constantly asking, 'why are you doing this?' Truely i don't feel that I deserve it, you know.

Then in the past two days I have felt this weight. I don't fully know where it's from but I'm beginning to figure it out. One thing is being reliant on God and his giftings in me. I don't feel I do what I fully can, in fear of hitting the 'roof'; in fear of failing. There are a few ways that I avoid that then and a lot of it is where I spend my time and what I spend it doing. That's something I have been working on for a while now with the whole not watching a movie thing.

As i kept looking in 1 Peter I hit something that didn't phase me as much the first time. 1 Peter 2:1-2 "Therefore, rid yourselves of all malice and all deceit, hypocrisy, envy, and slander of every kind. like newborn babies, crave pure spiritual milk, so that by it you may grow up in your salvation,..." the part that really hit me was 'grow up.' I don't want to take this out of context but i believe it's safe to say in my situation that God could just be telling me to 'grow up.' Take ownership in my giftings and the power that he's givin me. That I am not worthless, that I don't need to "embrace acusation' (thanks Shane and Shane for making that amazing song) but that I just need to "grow up."

The last thing is that in 1 Peter 1, it gives this proposed reaction to have 'joy'- "are filled with an inexpressible and glorious joy." I feel that through all of these trials that I should rejoice and be stoked at what God's doing in.

contrasting seclusion in complete serenity

So I have been processing a lot of thought in the past two days on who I am in myself. The thought of who I was, transformed into who I am becoming, with the vision of who i want to be.

my heart has still been so heavy. In the midst of all of this I feel sooo weighted down. I feel that I have hit a wall where I will have to change some things. I know this sounds really vague, but I can't process it too much more.

It's a mixture of comfort and lonliness. Contrasting seclusion in complete serenity.

There's just a lot going out right now in my head... haha... BUT it's good and truely I am happy that I'm thinking about this.


And also, please if you have a comment, let me know it! I would love to hear any thoughts on this or anything else.

Gracious God Word

God is a gracious God.
He cares when I don't,
Loves when I won't.
Feels when I can't,
heals with romance.

In the most affectionate ways, I am restored.

God, you are a gracious God.

_________________________________________________

In this past week I have realized several things. I felt like I needed to express what is going on in my heart becuase it is bursting out of me... I know that sounds corny but It's just true. I have this overwhelming feeling of thanks for God's grace... I will go into more of whats going on with me and whats been going on this past week soon... I just have to get some sleep

the church

"The Beggar asks with loyal Persistence"- The motion of a beggar asking for money is similar to the church during offering. Both need money (money is just one example) to survive. The difference is in the motives of the givers.
"For the bag is cursed with lusting indifference"- The bag (church) is "cursed" with greed (not limited to greed but also sin, as the bag not only symbolizes money but the whole church).
"That one would come to fulfill existence"- That the body of christians would unit to fulfill their role as "fishers of men."
"And skew an age old resistance"- In fulfilling the role of a christian that they would eternally support their church is every need.


It's also interesting to see how the beggar and the church can seem to sometimes change places.

Bliss

The sun plays a game as it's rays bounce gently on my face.
My left arm hangs completely limp.
My right arm slips into a refeshing pool, as if I'm touching the sky.
My back is comforted by the cushion of my shirt.
My feet are in total serenity as the sun and wind form the perfect team.
A constant breeze cleanses my entire body as I feel no time.

........................................................................ Bliss

I went for a run today... Ended up just laying by a pool/fountain, finding myself realizing the beauty around me. It was a gorgious day and it has been so many times, but I just haven't been able to take it in. The rush of life causes me to miss the pattern of Clouds checkering the sky or the water in the pool rippling to the beat of the wind. It was awesome. In that moment I found myself unable to comprehend how I could ever sin in such a beautiful place. I wrote in my journal, "I walk outside today and look at the sky and I am completely in this mind of 'how can I do anything other than praise you [God}." I know this is one of those times where it's a "Spiritual High" or just a "deep" thought but truely It's something that I want to see more. To say I want to see that every day, all day, I think is rediculous... life is crazy and there's no way I will be able to stop and really take in God's glory, BUT I do want to come back to this every time I feel attacked. When I feel so angry that I just want to chew someone out, or when I want to watch that R moive that I really shouldn't watch. That when I am tempted by ANYTHING, that I can come back to this day in my mind and see his glory all around me.

A little run

So last night I had this heaviness hanging over me. It has been there for a while now but it was just growing and growing. I didn't want to bring it up with friends in hope that it would just dissapate. Ususally I can deal with these things myself without "spilling" everything infront of a friend but this was killing me. Finally I realized that I needed to talk it through with a friend, processing everything myself as I was telling him, we went for a run and I ended up talking the whole time. It was awesome! We got an awesome work out and God totally spoke through him and gave me answers and direction on what was on my mind. Even though it was a ruff day, at the end, when I was laying in bed, I caught myself smiling and totally happy while I was journaling.

I had this huge sense of peace and it was awesome!!! through all the stress that is was/is going on in my life right now, I had total peace... not to many times when I feel like that.