Wall of Protection

Who are you hiding from?

Pride is such an aggregate conclusion

I was sitting in my car today and I realized that so many of my emotions are fabricated by my pride. I view situations with perspectives that are skewed by my transparent sense of pride and it produces my reactions.

That's something I really want to take more notice of. Analyze the motives of my reactions.

I know it's not right to live in pride. To have assurance and respect for yourself is necessary, but when I take a situation, an emotion, a reaction, and I seriously check myself and find that it really is pride that's driving the outcome--I need to change my heart.

So It's been a little while

So it's been a while since I've blogged. Life over here has been crazy with finals, my new job at Apple, and friends. I will say this though-- I have once again seen the truth in my realization that the more I journal, the more I am in the word OR (in my case recently) the less I journal, the less I'm reading the bible.

But a quick update:
Life has been way good and God's been blessing me like crazy. I finished finals on Thursday last week so that's been awesome and they went really good! I am working at the Apple store in the mall here in town so I'm loving that, way cool people and fun atmosphere. Totally was an awesome little story how I pulled the job. I fully believe that I'm there for a reason and I LOVE that!

but I really have missed the time that I was devoting to journaling. I'm writing this as a stated commitment to continue to update this blog with things that I discover and uncover throughout my life. Though the constancy may not be on a day to day basis, I want to continue my growth and the express what I am learning on here. that's why I'm doing this blog.

hey and I truly appreciate you for reading this. I know what it's like to read something and think, "why should I care." But my hope is that things that I go through and blog about will be points of relation for me and you. something that you read will be applicable to your life and/or reading my thoughts will spark your own questions or thoughts.

On that note-- if there's anything that you have a question about or that you are curious, I would love to receive an e-mail from you!

oconnor.sean@mac.com


Thanks for checking it!

A New Song..... and a little more....

I cry for
a generation
that's lost in you
that lives for truth

holding tight
to the walls around
an unknown sound
hoping to be found

I raise my voice
to overcome
the banging drum
their spiritual hum

and lift my eyes
up to your skies
defeat the lies
I so despise

to realize...

I am yet a child
Lost by all I've seen
Broken down and twisted up
by all that I believe

I'm searching for the answers
I'm praying for a start
that through the clouds of emptiness
I will find your heart

_________________________________________


This is a song that I just wrote tonight. It came tonight when we were having a floor worship session in my dorm. There were twenty some guys all grouped around, praying, singing, dancing; having a focused time of worship. One of the guys stepped up and confronted the group, telling us to lift our prayer language, our tounges, in prayer to God. This was nothing new to me since I do go to Oral Roberts University and I have, for the most part, figured out how to react to these situations but tonight I was siting there, as everyone joined this guy in praying in tounges, and I started to cry. I wasn't sobbing but I began to tear up. Then I realized that this happens everytime I am in a situation where people are praying in tongues. Now throughout my experiences at ORU and other places, I have my figured out where I stand and how I perceive the spiritual gifts, praying in tongues being the focus tonight. I want you to know that I am not at all against it, BUT I do feel that it isn't done right sometimes (I don't want to go into this tonight so I'm keeping this broad, but if you want to talk about praying in tongues or any of the spiritual gifts let me know and I would love to hear what you have to say/ are going through.) So they began to pray I began to sing and the words that were coming out was the same message of my song. I'll break it down a little:

Verse 1:
I was crying for this generation that has such good motives and a desire to be spiritual and holy but they are trying so hard that they might be loosing themselves in their spirituality.

Verse 2:
'Walls around'- just as walls direct the flow in direction, these youth are hanging on to the guidance of their mentors and following their footsteps, even though they might not know what they are doing; in ignorance.

Verse 3:
I would sing louder in an effort to overcome their 'drum' and 'spiritual hum' (their prayer in tongues) that was confusing/distracting me.

Verse 4:
I pray to God for direction and comfort in this situation. I realize my stubbornness to not "go along with the flow" and I state that when i write 'defeat the lies' (how tongues are being used) because I really don't believe that praying in tongues is wrong.

Chorus:
the chorus is basically me realizing that I am wrong in some of my thoughts. I sing, 'Broken down and twisted up, by all that I believe.' I had a friend say a year ago, "it's gonna be funny when we get into heaven. We are all gonna find out that so much of what we believe is right, is totally wrong." The main thing is the realization that I am not right on everything and in that I can't judge others. All I can do is fight through the 'cloud of emptiness' and find God's heart.



if you have any questions or comments let me know! I would love to hear them! truly!

thanks so much for checking this out!

Let me explain...

haha... So After reading over what I wrote last night/ this morning, I realized that it was even more vague than the entry before it so I want to try to gain clarity on my thoughts.

Recently I have just been in awe of God's grace. I've been studying 1 Peter which seems to be nailing how much God is given me just in the first Chapter. It says, "In his[God] great mercy he has given us new brith into a living hope" (1 Peter 1:3). "...set your hope fully on the grace to be given you" (1 Peter 1:13).

After reading this, I have seen around me all the amazing things that he has blessed me with. It's been incredible. I feel that I'm constantly asking, 'why are you doing this?' Truely i don't feel that I deserve it, you know.

Then in the past two days I have felt this weight. I don't fully know where it's from but I'm beginning to figure it out. One thing is being reliant on God and his giftings in me. I don't feel I do what I fully can, in fear of hitting the 'roof'; in fear of failing. There are a few ways that I avoid that then and a lot of it is where I spend my time and what I spend it doing. That's something I have been working on for a while now with the whole not watching a movie thing.

As i kept looking in 1 Peter I hit something that didn't phase me as much the first time. 1 Peter 2:1-2 "Therefore, rid yourselves of all malice and all deceit, hypocrisy, envy, and slander of every kind. like newborn babies, crave pure spiritual milk, so that by it you may grow up in your salvation,..." the part that really hit me was 'grow up.' I don't want to take this out of context but i believe it's safe to say in my situation that God could just be telling me to 'grow up.' Take ownership in my giftings and the power that he's givin me. That I am not worthless, that I don't need to "embrace acusation' (thanks Shane and Shane for making that amazing song) but that I just need to "grow up."

The last thing is that in 1 Peter 1, it gives this proposed reaction to have 'joy'- "are filled with an inexpressible and glorious joy." I feel that through all of these trials that I should rejoice and be stoked at what God's doing in.

contrasting seclusion in complete serenity

So I have been processing a lot of thought in the past two days on who I am in myself. The thought of who I was, transformed into who I am becoming, with the vision of who i want to be.

my heart has still been so heavy. In the midst of all of this I feel sooo weighted down. I feel that I have hit a wall where I will have to change some things. I know this sounds really vague, but I can't process it too much more.

It's a mixture of comfort and lonliness. Contrasting seclusion in complete serenity.

There's just a lot going out right now in my head... haha... BUT it's good and truely I am happy that I'm thinking about this.


And also, please if you have a comment, let me know it! I would love to hear any thoughts on this or anything else.

Gracious God Word

God is a gracious God.
He cares when I don't,
Loves when I won't.
Feels when I can't,
heals with romance.

In the most affectionate ways, I am restored.

God, you are a gracious God.

_________________________________________________

In this past week I have realized several things. I felt like I needed to express what is going on in my heart becuase it is bursting out of me... I know that sounds corny but It's just true. I have this overwhelming feeling of thanks for God's grace... I will go into more of whats going on with me and whats been going on this past week soon... I just have to get some sleep

the church

"The Beggar asks with loyal Persistence"- The motion of a beggar asking for money is similar to the church during offering. Both need money (money is just one example) to survive. The difference is in the motives of the givers.
"For the bag is cursed with lusting indifference"- The bag (church) is "cursed" with greed (not limited to greed but also sin, as the bag not only symbolizes money but the whole church).
"That one would come to fulfill existence"- That the body of christians would unit to fulfill their role as "fishers of men."
"And skew an age old resistance"- In fulfilling the role of a christian that they would eternally support their church is every need.


It's also interesting to see how the beggar and the church can seem to sometimes change places.

Bliss

The sun plays a game as it's rays bounce gently on my face.
My left arm hangs completely limp.
My right arm slips into a refeshing pool, as if I'm touching the sky.
My back is comforted by the cushion of my shirt.
My feet are in total serenity as the sun and wind form the perfect team.
A constant breeze cleanses my entire body as I feel no time.

........................................................................ Bliss

I went for a run today... Ended up just laying by a pool/fountain, finding myself realizing the beauty around me. It was a gorgious day and it has been so many times, but I just haven't been able to take it in. The rush of life causes me to miss the pattern of Clouds checkering the sky or the water in the pool rippling to the beat of the wind. It was awesome. In that moment I found myself unable to comprehend how I could ever sin in such a beautiful place. I wrote in my journal, "I walk outside today and look at the sky and I am completely in this mind of 'how can I do anything other than praise you [God}." I know this is one of those times where it's a "Spiritual High" or just a "deep" thought but truely It's something that I want to see more. To say I want to see that every day, all day, I think is rediculous... life is crazy and there's no way I will be able to stop and really take in God's glory, BUT I do want to come back to this every time I feel attacked. When I feel so angry that I just want to chew someone out, or when I want to watch that R moive that I really shouldn't watch. That when I am tempted by ANYTHING, that I can come back to this day in my mind and see his glory all around me.

A little run

So last night I had this heaviness hanging over me. It has been there for a while now but it was just growing and growing. I didn't want to bring it up with friends in hope that it would just dissapate. Ususally I can deal with these things myself without "spilling" everything infront of a friend but this was killing me. Finally I realized that I needed to talk it through with a friend, processing everything myself as I was telling him, we went for a run and I ended up talking the whole time. It was awesome! We got an awesome work out and God totally spoke through him and gave me answers and direction on what was on my mind. Even though it was a ruff day, at the end, when I was laying in bed, I caught myself smiling and totally happy while I was journaling.

I had this huge sense of peace and it was awesome!!! through all the stress that is was/is going on in my life right now, I had total peace... not to many times when I feel like that.

When I journal...

So today I was talking with my good friend, Jordan Houser, and we were catching up from our Germany trip and everything that's gone on since then. As we were talking I realized something so basic but so true.

I love Journaling! I love writing out my thoughts in a way that I can better understand them and express how I feel. I love it. It's a way of getting things off my chest and working though problems and ideas, but as we were talking i realized that I want my journaling to be based on my growth in my relationship with God. I want to journal about what I'm realizing and learning through reading the bible and convos with others, but I realized that, though I have been journaling a lot, I haven't been reading the bible at all really. Not that I feel journaling about personal struggles in life is the wrong way to journal, I think that's the best way to alleviate some of life's stresses, but I personally want my journaling to be mainly me working through thoughts about scripture that I have been diving into.

After realizing that, Jordan agreed and so I'm putting this up incase someone else feels the same way but hasn't fully realized it yet. Maybe this will help you jump back into the bible.

Let me know if you have any thoughts on this.

The New Leaf

I was at Church on the Move yesterday and the message was fantastic as always. Pastor Willie talked about working the 6th day and how that's necesary to get ahead. The talked on prosperity a little but his points were awesome and really made since becuase I'm not at all big on prosperity teaching and he didn't at all condone it but rather pointed out where people mislead and how prosperity is biblical. It was great but I didn't really want to go to deep in that but rather share my commitment that I made with myself.

I have begun to realize how impactful it is to use my time in effective ways. In the past week I have had awesome conversations with people I never even knew just because instead of watching a movie, I went to a coffee shop with the intentions to do some homework but the hope of just talking with someone new and creating a new relationship or growing in a present one. It's been awesome!

I decided that I am going to watch 1 movie every month. that's it. that's the commitment. So much of my time is spent watching mindless (sometimes really good) movies and everytime I'm finished there is no personal growth; if anything I feel way worse becuase there is so much junk in the average movie.

I don't know how long I will do this but this month of October will be a perfect test. The point is to spend that time creating relationships by going to a coffee shop or working on personal growth whether it's in Journaling, reading, playing guitar, writting songs, etc.... I will for sure let you know how it's going as time goes on and what I'm learning through it!

I challenge you to find something that you spend to much time on and give it up so that you can spend more time creating relationships and/or personally growing.

Judgement in Disguise

So today I had an AWESOME conversation with someone that I go to school with which totally rocked my world. The convo was great but the thing that was so cool was that I totally had an opinion of her and then after talking to her, i realized I was not even close. I didn't have a negative perspective of her, I thought she was a cool girl but not so deep and truely passionate about God as she truely is. It just shows me how I am so wrong in pretty much all of my judgements and how taking time to really get to know the people that I'm around everyday, will totally change my view.

I wonder how many people I have already made up my mind on who they are and I don't even know it?... My judgement seems to be disguised as an acutal reality. If I look at EVERYONE, not just new people I will meet, and focus on not judging them but truely figuring out who they are by investing time in them.

Totally on another note, I just wanted to draw attention to one sentence that is on the song "Vision of you" on shane & Shane's album "Pages" where they sing, "May the Vision of you be the death of me". what an awesome prayer! That the glory of God would be illuminated. Let him increase and us decrease.

What's been on my mind

So today I bought the new Shane & Shane Album, "Pages" and David Crowder's new album, "Remedy". Both are awesome! Shane & Shane continually blow my mind when I see them perform and on their recordings. Fantastic CD!

Crowder's new CD is a lot different which is always cool and something that I LOVE about Crowder. He is deffinitly one of my biggest influences when it comes to christian music, but this new CD I haven't fully made up my mind on. It is great and I love the sound but it does seem to be more of a "fun" sound opposed to a intense, deep sound. I think that I just wasn't expecting it and so it'll just take a little time and I'll love it for sure but it's a great CD, deffinitly recommend it.


resently this theme of surrendering everything has been looming over me. different phrases have come into my mind like,
"And I surrender all. I will lay it down. A passion for your love. Let your glory resound"
"Trust in the lord, his love is forever. Do not fear, a life of Surrender."

I feel that I haven't been fully commited because I am afriad of failing or not being as good as I others think I am or even as good as I think I am. I always hold some back. That's something I've been working on ever since I started college. In a new setting, I never have really let many people know what I'm capable of or shown them me at my best for something things; I'm talking mainly about music. It seems that I come to school here, after being at home in Salem, and I'm not able to excel and stand out from the crowd near as much. I've always been driven to be different. I'm not a follower, but when i come to school I don't lead as much. I do in a certian comfort zone but I don't lead everywhere. I deffinitly don't follow, but the leading is something that I am working on in every situation.

is it possible to learn how to surrender everything in oneself?... That leads right to freedom in God's direction on your life... cool stuff...

Germany School Journal

I had to Journal each day I was in Germany. It doesn't have to be too much of anything but just some highlights and some analysis of the culture so here's some of what happened:

Sept. 17, 2007
Today was the first day for the Spiritual Emphasis Week (SEW) here at Black Forest Academy (BFA). It went great. The jet lag from the trip over hasn’t been too influential in our experience so far and I believe that it will just get less still. I am worried about the trip home though. Today we started off the day with having Germany Pastries and Chocolate mixed with Coffee and toast. I will say that the chocolate and coffee was so much better than what I am used to in the States. After that I went to BFA and we had a two-hour rehearsal for the worship set and then started off the week. The Chapel went great with over three hundred students, both middle school and high school. After the session we went up towards the black forest and were able to look at the rolling hills and large cornfields. The weather has been at a steady 75 degrees but is supposed to get colder during the week.

Sept. 18, 2007
Today was another great day! The session this morning went awesome! The students are beginning to really get comfortable with us as a band and they are beginning to really open up to us. We also got to go in Freiburg, Germany and walk around the town and different shops and eat at local bakeries, specifically Berliners. It’s so cool to see how the towns and roads are so much different than the United States. The roads and the streets in the village are very narrow and many of the locals speak English. This makes me feel very ignorant and lazy that I do not take the time to learn another language. The ability to speak multiple languages will connect someone to so many people and gives one the chance to make relationships all over.

Sept. 19, 2007
During the session this morning people were totally changing. The message was fantastic and the band played very well. It was awesome to see kids change and one girl (that I know for sure) ask Christ into her life. We were planning on heading into Basel, Switzerland today but decided, since I’m getting sick and we are planning on going there on Saturday, that we weren’t going to go. We ended up hanging out with the students and leading worship in the evening for the middle schoolers in an event called Chrysalis (the point with a caterpillar becomes a butterfly… I don’t know why…) and there were going crazy! Middle school kids have so much energy its great! We also go to play a little soccer and basketball with some of the locals here. It was a blast but made me realize how much I am out of shape, but in my defense I am a little sick.

Sept. 20, 2007
Well today was awesome! We didn’t do a whole lot of traveling but it was a great day! We went up to a ruined castle and got to climb and walk all around it. It was awesome to see where the knights would meet and where the dungeons were. There were also ancient artifacts that were dentist tools, battle weapons, and clothing. I’ve never seen anything like it before.

Sept. 21, 2007
It was the last day for the SEW. We had a set in the morning and then a final worship time at night that was two hours long and it went great! The kids made commitments and lives were changed! We didn’t get to really travel anywhere today besides to the basketball court that is at the school and then we went out to eat at a Vietnamese restaurant that was amazing! Really good food and I found out that Germany doesn’t have too much spicy food. They are known for their sweet foods like candy or chocolate but as fare as spicy, it’s not the best place. Tomorrow we are going into Switzerland. I’m excited!

Sept. 22, 2007
Today was the best day of seeing Germany and Europe! We got to take a trip to the Swiss Alps. It was amazing! We rented scooters and cruised around Switzerland for four hours, stopping and taking pictures as well as checking out the local shops. I got to try an ice cream bar called, “Magnum” which was the best ice cream bar I’ve ever had. The scenery was epic and the scooters were so fun! We ate at a restaurant that was Swiss and Japanese combined. It was a weird combination but there were a lot of Japanese people there in Switzerland. It was amazing!

Sept. 23, 2007
We went to church early in the morning at BFC (Black Forest Church). It was at the school that we played at and was very traditional. I enjoyed the pastor and during the rest of the day we got to hang out with some of Erik Williams friends that work with placing missionaries in Europe. John and Fran lived in Africa for sixteen years, Colorado for four years, Paris for four years, and they have now been in Germany for five years. Amazing people with many stories! I also tried REAL blue cheese that was straight from France. The only true blue cheese, made in French caves. John told me the story of the “rockfart.”

Sept. 24, 2007
I really don’t like the French airlines. I wasn’t able to ride standby on a flight to Paris so I had to wait several hours. Once we arrived in Paris we had an amazing time! We mapped out what spots we wanted to hit in the little time that we had and we made good time. It was great to visit the huge, tourist city but I don’t plan on taking a trip back that would exceed a few days long. The city is so touristy that it takes away the experience. It was a great day and an amazing way to end the trip. We met up with some friends that live in Paris and had dinner with them. I’m not looking forward to getting back into school, especially after I’ve seen all this beauty and this world outside of the US. I’m so glad for this experience and I plan on taking another trip here in the near future.

Kandern, Germany- Trip to Black Forest Academy

It all started with the craziest Traveling I've ever done in my life when it comes to the airports!

It all strated on September 14th when I left ORU for 12 days, headed for Kandern, Germany. I was planning on Leading worship for a school out there called Black Forest Academy (BFA) for their Spiritual Emphisis Week (SEW). I was so stoked to have this chance. There are about 300 youth that would be attending each morning chapel service monday-friday with two sessions on Wednesday and Friday. We were planning on snowboarding one day in the Swiss Alps and hit up Paris for a day on the way back home.
So Stoked!
Ok... So i take off on the 14th and go to the airport only to wait for 3 hours, after the plane was supposed to board, until I hear that the flight has been canceled due to weather in Atlanta, my connecting spot. This was a huge bummer cause I had to figure out how I was going to switch my ticket to get to Germany and I was supposed to lead worship for the church service on that sunday (it was friday). So I went back to ORU and had a fun night back on the ORU campus with some friends and expectations for the positive trip the next day.
The next day I leave early for the airport, excited for my flight to Europe and reuniting with my friends from back on the west coast. I fly to Atlanta with no trouble and a smooth flight but then it gets rough... My new flight in Atlanta was scheduled to leave at 5:35pm on the 15th (I arrived in Atlanta around 2 pm) and arrive in Paris around 10:00 am on the 16th. This meant that I wasn't able to lead worship at the Church that sunday so I was totally bumbed out but that's ok at least I will get there for the week... Finally, after 3 and 1/2 hours of waiting, we board the plane to head to Paris... after 1 hour of sitting in the plane while it is being fixed in the loading dock, as the air conditioning system was broken, they announce that everyone needs to get OFF the plane and it wont be another 4 hours until they will know if they can use the plane! that sets us at 10:00 pm and I will Deffinitly miss my connecting flight to Germany from Paris...
after standing in a GINORMOUS line for over 2 hours and being on the phone most of that time with Delta I secure new tickets that will land me in Germany on the 16th but not until 10:00 pm... This was just not going well! hahaha it was cool though cause I met a lot of Sarcastic, old people that were actually quite funny.
final we board and leave the Atlanta airport around 11:00 pm on the 15th and arrive in Paris at 2:30 pm (Paris time; about 7 hours ahead I think)... from there I wait another 3 hours for my flight to leave at 6:00 pm and arrive in Kandern, Germany at 8:00 pm.
Finally!!! I was there!!!
Oh... but wait... where's my luggage?.... oh man.... I'm not surprised... my luggage is lost and so I am out of close and all the set lists and some equipment that I needed for the week for worship. PLUS... the guitar that I am supposed to use and lead with... is gone missing and they have no idea where it's at...
Well that was the traveling to Germany and honestly it was rough, but awesome!... I left out some things like how one of the guys going with us realized at 1 in the morning the day we were supposed to leave that his passport had expired... haha that was funny...

I'll keep you updated on the trip and how everything is playing out! It's going to be so fun!